


Is This Really Happening?

by starrywrite



Category: Video Blogging & YouTube RPF
Genre: AU, Alternate Ending, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, Songfic, Suicidal Thoughts, Timestamp, a little more angst tho, also happy ending okay dont hate me 2 much, also trigger warnings apply, implied depression, like more angst than i intended oops, no actual suicide tho, no death i promise
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-21
Updated: 2014-04-21
Packaged: 2018-01-20 05:18:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,296
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1498066
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starrywrite/pseuds/starrywrite
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"If you can wait till I get home, then I swear come tomorrow, this will all be in our past. Well it might be for the best..." - A Day To Remember, If It Means A Lot To You.</p><p>Timestamp/Alternate Ending to my fic 'I Swear To You That We Can Make This Last'</p>
            </blockquote>





	Is This Really Happening?

**Author's Note:**

> Hi!! ^_^ Okay so this is a sort of timestamp/alternative ending for my fic I Swear To You That We Can Make This Last (http://archiveofourown.org/works/1475962) 
> 
> Basically (this is me assuming you’ve read the fic if not, then pls do so bc this whole fic wont make sense unless you’ve read the original - plus it would make me the happiest of courtneys :)) this takes place after Dan and Phil’s fight in the middle of the story, and it continues on like a few days after 
> 
> If you were wondering, the reason i didn’t put this in the fic is bc the way this scene ended made it seem like the fic could end just there and at the time, i had already written an ending i deemed worthy for my fic 
> 
> Okay yeah, tl;dr this is basically a different continuation of what happens after their fight and a new (but not rly new) ending. i hope that made sense? lmao and i hope you enjoy this!!!
> 
> Oh and once again, this was ~technically~ co-written with my favorite little shit Alex so thank u Alex i love u a lot :*

_You know you can't give me what I need._  
 _And even though you mean so much to me,_  
 _I can't wait through everything,_  
 _Is this really happening?_  
 _iI swear I'll never be happy again._  
 _And don't you dare say we can just be friends._  
 _I'm not some boy that you can sway._  
 _We knew it'd happen eventually._

Dan slams his door behind him, not caring how loud it bangs and echoes down the hall, and he locks it before sliding down to the floor, pulling his knees up to his chest and burying his face in his kneecaps. He managed to make it through all of his classes without crying, but now he’s alone and he’s not going to hold back. Tears start to slide down his cheeks and before he knows it, he’s properly sobbing, his body shaking and the feeling of nausea settling in the pit of his stomach. His chest feels tight and he almost can’t breathe; he can’t think, he can’t calm down, he can’t catch his breath. He can’t do _anything_. 

His hands are shaking and tears are sliding down his face, and he’s getting deja vu to the day he found out he hadn’t gotten accept to Manchester and he can’t stop the sobs from escaping his lips. He hates this, he hates everything, he can’t keep doing this. 

Everything just sucks because he and Phil aren’t speaking, and it’s all his fault because he’s the worst boyfriend ever and it’s only a matter of time before Phil comes to his sense and breaks up with him. And on top of that, because he’s so fucked up about fighting with Phil, he’s been doing terrible in school this past week, and he’s pretty sure he’s doing shittily in all of his classes, and his parents are going to kill him if he fails because he’s wasting their money. He’s just a waste of space. He’s a waste of a human life and he hates himself and he just doesn’t want to exist anymore. 

There’s a voice in the back of his mind whispering in his ear that no one would miss him, that he’s a waste of space, that he’s a sad excuse for a human being, and Dan can’t cry loud enough to drown it out. He wants to tell it to shut up and leave him alone, but it yells at him _STUPID SCREW UP FAILURE DUMB PATHETIC USELESS YOU’RE SO USELESS_ and _NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOU EVERY ONE HATES YOU NO ONE WILL MISS YOU YOU COULD DISAPPEAR FOREVER AND NO ONE WOULD CARE_ , and Dan screams, “Fuck!” because the voice is right.

Maybe he should just disappear forever. Maybe he should just go to sleep and never wake up or something similar, because all he does is fuck everything up and ruin everything he touches, metaphorically and literally. He’s ruining his education, he’s ruining his relationship with Phil, he’s ruining everything. All he does is ruin everything. 

The voice yells at him _FUCK UP FUCK UP YOU’RE A FUCK UP_ and Dan cries harder because even if he covers his ears he can hear it loud and clear and it’s right, he is a fuck up, he’s stupid and he fucks everything up.

His mind is clouded and truth be told, he’s not exactly thinking clearly right now, but that doesn’t stop him from tweeting, _‘I’m going to kill myself and then fail because I’m stupid see you never again’_ , and then throwing his phone to the other side of his dorm room, barely hearing the way it bangs against the wall and falls to the floor. Who cares? There’s no point in keeping it by his side because no one’s going to tweet or text or call him to check up on him. No one gives a fuck about him anyway. 

* * *

Phil misses Dan. 

It’s not the usual missing him either; he and Dan haven’t spoken in a week and it’s been the longest and loneliest week of Phil’s life. It’s just terrible how he and Dan went from talking every single minute of every single day, to barely speaking at all. And because of a fight nonetheless - which Phil can barely wrap his mind around because he and Dan never fight. Sure, they had their little spats, what couple doesn’t? But honestly, the two of them playing Mario Kart together was more intense than all of their arguments combined. Until now that is. 

It wasn’t even a fight like Phil would’ve pictured it to be; they hadn’t yelled at each other or thrown plates at the wall or cried or anything extremely dramatic. They just… they just weren’t on the same page, but apparently that was enough for Dan to want to leave him and now not speak to him. It’s not that Phil hasn’t tried to talk to Dan though; he texts him every so often, checking up on him and asking how he’s doing, but Dan’s just short with him and barely gives him a response, and ultimately, Phil gives up. And it hurts, because Dan’s not even going to try to salvage their relationship. 

It doesn’t make sense to him; Dan said he loved him, but now he’s just not even trying to make sure they stay. And it’s not that Phil wants to break up with him, he wasn’t kidding when he told Dan that he loved him and wanted to be with him, but if Dan doesn’t care about them anymore, how can he? 

He misses Dan so much. But fuck, if Dan isn’t the most stubborn person Phil’s ever met, and it’s not easy to get him to realize that he’s wrong. Because he is wrong; why is he mad at Phil? Because he knows that neither of them can afford to live together right now? Because he wants Dan to be in charge of his own life and realize that he doesn’t need _him_ to be happy? Because he wants Dan to realize he’s worth more than he acts like he is? 

Phil loves Dan, and he always thought that their relationship would last despite the long distance… but maybe he was wrong. Maybe he and Dan just aren’t meant to be. 

It’s mid-afternoon, a week after his and Dan’s fight, and Phil’s lying on his couch, doing pretty much nothing because, if things were going normally, this would be around the time that Dan would be getting out of his last class and he’d be about to Skype Phil and tell him about his day and Phil would tell Dan about his day and it’d just be the start of a three or four or five hour long Skype call. But things aren’t going normally, and he and Dan aren’t speaking, so Phil’s just lying on his couch, watching TV but not really watching it because he doesn’t care about what’s on; he just wants some background noise. His apartment’s been so quiet this week with him not talking to Dan. 

His phone vibrates, startling him because it’s been all but inactive for a week now, and he holds his breath for one, two, three seconds because what if it’s Dan, what if he’s finally ready to talk to him? He doesn’t hesitate to reach for his phone to see not a text from Dan, but a tweet from @danisnotonfire (yes, he has his boyfriend’s tweets on mobile alerts, nothing weird about that) that says _‘I’m going to kill myself and then fail because I’m stupid see you never again’_ , and Phil’s heart nearly stops. 

He immediately dials Dan’s number, whispering “Please pick up, please pick up,” over and over again, but Dan doesn’t pick up and Phil thinks he’s going to throw up. He redials the number, this time as he’s getting to his feet and quickly putting on his shoes and grabbing his wallet, and fuck Dan still hasn’t answered. He calls for a third time, then a fourth, then a fifth, and each call goes unanswered and by the time Phil calls a sixth, seventh, and eighth time, he’s in a cab on his way to Dan’s university.

He’s trying not to panic, because he knows when Dan’s upset he has a tendency to freak out and overreact and not think clearly, and maybe that’s what’s happening right now. Maybe Dan’s just upset and maybe he’s not going to… Phil can’t even finish the thought. Not because it’s too terrifying to imagine Dan hurting himself, but because his mind is switching modes to _red alert_ and he can’t stop thinking of walking into Dan’s dorm with him hanging by his neck or with his wrists slit or with an empty bottle of pills lying by his lifeless body. He calls a ninth, tenth, eleventh time. Dan still doesn’t pick up.

The drive from his flat to Dan’s university feels like it’s taking twice as long as it usually does, and Phil gets more and more restless with each passing minute, with each missed phone call. Finally, the cab stops and he all but jumps out, not before quite literally throwing whatever he owes at the cab driver, and he takes off running to Dan’s dorm. He probably nearly knocks a few passing people down in the process, but he doesn’t care; he doesn’t care about anything except for Dan right now and making sure he’s okay. 

Phil makes it to Dan’s floor in what’s probably considered to be record time, and his body collides painfully with the closed door (because he anticipated that it’d be open, as Dan usually kept his dorm room open or at least unlocked), but that doesn’t break his adrenaline, because his hand is on the knob in seconds, jiggling it and soon connecting the dots that it’s locked. “Dan?” Phil jiggles the knob once again, then bangs his fist against the closed door. “Dan, let me in, _please_.”

“ _Go away!_ ” Dan’s muffled reply comes, followed by a choked sob, and Phil’s heart rate spikes. “Dan, I’m begging you. Please, let me in right now.” he’s met with only silence, and he bangs on his door again. “Please don’t do this to me, Dan,” he tells him. “I love you so much, please!”

“Don’t lie to me, Phil.” Dan tells him.

“D - Dan, I would never lie to you!” Phil insists, and he bangs on Dan’s door once again. “Please, Dan, I love you.”

“No, you don’t!” Dan sobs, and Phil can hear him hit his head against the closed door, giving Phil the implication that he’s sitting right on the other side of the door, and Phil’s heart sinks. Dan’s so close, but still so far away from him. “Y - you’re just here to break up with me,” he adds, his voice breaking. “Because I’m annoying and clingy and I can’t do anything right.”

“I’m not here to break up with you!” Phil insists. “I’m here because I’m scared shitless and I can’t lose you.”

He hears Dan sniffle again. “Yes you can,” and Phil can feel his heart breaking when Dan says, “Yes don’t need me. No one needs me.”

Phil presses his head against Dan’s door and sighs, closing his eyes briefly. It’s killing him knowing Dan is hurting so much and he can’t do anything about it. “Dan, please,” he says to him. “At least let me in so we can talk face to face.”

Dan falls silent and the time lapse that follows is agonizing, and Phil can feel the panic tight in his chest because what if Dan doesn’t let him in? What if he can’t save Dan? He tries to stop thinking of the what ifs and focus on the present because nothing else matters at this moment other than getting Dan to open the door. 

Just when Phil’s about to ask him again, he hears the click of the lock and honestly he could break down crying. Dan’s door slowly creaks open, and Phil doesn’t hesitate to go inside and without a second thought, he grabs Dan and pulls him into a hug, holding him tighter than he’s ever held him before with no intent of letting him go. Tears actually start to roll down his cheeks because he was so terrified a few minutes ago, but seeing that Dan’s okay and alive, he’s so fucking relieved. And angry, god he’s so angry. He’s not sure if he’s angry at Dan or himself or just angry in general, but he’s angry. And when he hears Dan sobbing against his chest, he starts feels guilty about feeling angry because he doesn’t want to be angry and he doesn’t want to be angry at Dan or at himself; he doesn’t want to be angry at all. He just wants to feel okay knowing that Dan’s okay. 

He hears Dan mumbling, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” over and over again, his tears seeping against his shirt, and Phil squeezes him a little bit tighter. 

“Are you okay?” Phil asks him, because he suddenly remembers Dan’s tweet and all those terrifying thoughts, and he breaks their hug to grab Dan’s arms and check for anything that would be an indication that Dan hurt himself. “Did you do anything, did you take anything-”

“I’m fine.” Dan sniffles, and for the first time since Dan let him in his room, Phil looks at him - really looks at him. His usually bright eyes are dull and lifeless and bloodshot, with deep bags underneath, and his cheeks are stained with tears. He’s trembling slightly, as if he’s cold, but Phil figures it’s from being so worked up for who knows how long, and he just wants to hug him again. “I - I didn’t do anything.” he tells him. 

Phil sighs, once again closing his eyes for a moment, and whispers, “Thank God.”

Dan chews on his bottom lip, not meeting Phil’s eyes. “Look, I’m sorry,” he says softly, and Phil looks at him again, and he looks like a broken little boy; nothing like the Dan he knew and loved. “I didn’t mean to scare you, I just fucked up as usual.” he sighs, running his fingers through his hair. “I’m always fucking up.”

“No, you’re not.” Phil immediately replies. 

“Yes, I am.” Dan insists. 

Phil sighs again. “Dan, you’re not-”

“Yes I am, Phil!” Dan snaps, and Phil’s eyes widen slightly. Tears are welling up in Dan’s eyes again and fuck, how is it possible that he has any more tears left in him to cry? “I’m the worst and I’m always going to be the worst and I’m going to ruin everything we have!” 

“Dan-”

“I don’t understand why you’re wasting your time with me - it’s probably exhausting even being around me.” Dan continues.

“Dan, stop,” Phil tells him, unable to bear hearing Dan talk so badly about himself. “You’re not a waste of my time; how could you even think that? I love you, I will always love you-” 

“God, Phil, why can’t you realize that you can do so much better than me?” Dan asks him, stepping away from Phil, putting some distance between them, as if speaking the words aloud are going to make Phil want to leave him and the more distance between them is going to make it hurt less. “I’m just going to keep screwing this up like I screw everything else up.”

“Why can’t _you_ realize that I love you so much and it doesn’t matter to me if you screw up because I love you?” Phil demands.

Dan sobs. “You don’t love me,” he shakes his head, bringing his hands up to hold his face in his hands, another sob escaping his lips and Phil just wants to close the gap between them and hug him again, but he finds himself frozen to his spot when he hears Dan whimper, “I don’t know how _anyone_ could love me - I’m the worst. I don’t even love me.” 

Phil reaches out and grabs his hands, making Dan look at him and he tells him, “I do love you, okay? You’re the best and there are so many reasons why I love you,” he lets go of one of Dan’s hands to cup his face and thumb away his tears, which seems to be a lost cause, however, because Dan can’t stop crying. “You’re smart and funny and cute and caring and I love you so much,” he pauses for a moment. “Please, Dan, you have to believe me.”

Dan chokes on another sob, shaking his head. “I just keep screwing up,” he says. “I can’t - I can’t do this anymore.”

Phil tenses, his heart pounding harder and faster, and fuck fuck fuck no, is this really happening right now? “...Are you breaking up with me?” he asks hesitantly, terrified of what Dan’s reply could be.

Dan sniffles, gently untangling his free hand from Phil’s and bringing it up to wipe at his eyes. “We might as well break up.” he says softly. “I mean, it’s going to happen once you realize that I’m just a waste of space and you can do so much better.”

Phil shakes his head. “No, no, no, please don’t do this, Dan.” he pleads with him, and hopes he can somehow get through to him. “I love you, okay? I love you so, so, so much. I can’t do better than you because there’s no one better for me than you. You just…” Phil sighs, pausing for a moment to make sure he chooses his words carefully. “You just put me up on this pedestal and I’m really not that great or important.”

“You _are_ important though.” Dan insists. “You’re important to me, and you don’t even care; you probably just think I’m crazy and clingy and annoying.”

“Are you even listening to me?” Phil asks. “I care so much, Dan, you’re my world.”

“Then why did you bail on me?” Dan shouts at him, causing Phil to flinch. “Why - why don’t you care that I’m miserable here at school and I just want to be with you because you’re the only thing that makes me happy?” he demands.

“Of course I care, Dan!” Phil tells him. “I just can’t afford to live with you right now, believe me, I want to so badly but I can barely make ends meet as it is.”

“I could’ve helped.” Dan says. “I could’ve gotten a job or two, and I’d be doing YouTube like you. You’re the one always saying that we can make this relationship last but the one time it gets complicated you start backing out.”

Phil sighs, exasperated, and runs his fingers through his hair. “What do you want me to say Dan?” he demands, his voice as loud as Dan’s was a moment ago. “I’m sorry that I’m a shitty boyfriend and I’m sorry I’m just making you more upset with every word I say, but contrary to what you might think I’m having a lot of trouble trying to sort out my life.”

Dan’s silent for a moment. “Then maybe you can’t handle a boyfriend with all this baggage.” he replies, his voice breaking as tears roll down his cheeks. 

“Dan, no, please.” Phil takes another step forward, placing his hands on Dan’s shoulders. “I can’t lose you too.”

Dan shakes his head. “Yes you can, I’m just too fucked up for you, Phil!” he insists, sniffling. “I’m always stressed, I’m always depressed, I’m always anxious, and I’m just going to bring you down with me and you’re going to regret ever meeting me.”

“Please, Dan, you’re not.” Phil tells him, his hand reaching for Dan’s cheek to thumb away his tears. “I would never regret meeting you, I love you so much.”

“How could you possible love me?” Dan breaks Phil’s from grasp, backing away from him, crossing his arms across his chest. “I don’t make you happy - hell, we’ve been fighting for a week because of me! I’m a terrible boyfriend!”

“Dan, just listen to me for a second, yeah?” Phil asks him, and once again, he reaches for Dan’s hands and holds them tightly in his own. “You are an amazing boyfriend,” he starts, nothing but genuine sincerity in his tone. “And you make me the happiest I’ve ever been and the happiest I have been in years. You’ve done just as much for me as you say I’ve done for you.”

Dan sobs again, lowering his head as tears fall down his face. “I’m sorry.” he chokes out. “I’m sorry,” Phil pulls him into another hug, and Dan buries his face against Phil’s shoulder. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m just miserable and annoying and you shouldn’t have to deal with me.”

“Shh, it’s okay, it’s okay,” Phil whispers to him, alternating between running his fingers through Dan’s hair and rubbing his back comfortingly. “I want to deal with you. You’re my favorite person, I always want to deal with you.”

Dan chokes back another sob, the fabric of Phil’s shirt balled up tight in his fists as he clings to him tightly. “I’m sorry, please don’t leave me.”

“Never, okay.” Phil blinks back tears and kisses the side of Dan’s head. “Never. I’ll never leave you.” he gently guides Dan over to his bed and the two of them sit down, and Phil pulls him back into him once more, holding him tightly and letting Dan rest his head on his shoulder.

“I’m sorry.” Dan says again, and Phil lets him apologize all he wants if it’ll make him feel better. His voice is muffled as he presses his face deeper against Phil’s shoulder, as if he’s trying to hide from him. “I’m the worst, I need to get over myself.”

“No, you’re the best and I love you.” Phil replies

Dan breaks their hug and wipes his eyes before saying, “ _You’re_ the best. I love you so much and I’m sorry for fighting with you.”

Phil smiles a small smile and takes his hand in his, squeezing it gently. “You don’t need to apologize, bear.”

“I am sorry though,” Dan tells him. “I’ve been so difficult lately and you don’t deserve that.”

“It doesn’t matter.” Phil says simply, affectionately running his fingers through Dan’s hair and moving his hand down to cup his cheek. “I love you, okay, and I’m ready for whatever you throw at me” he pauses for a moment. “…Unless you’re pregnant. Please don’t get pregnant.”

Dan laughs a little, and Phil wants to cry again because it had been so long since he heard Dan laugh and after all this time, it’s still his favorite sound. “I won’t get pregnant.” he tells him. 

“Good, I’m only 23, I’m not ready for a baby.” Phil jokes with him, happy he can actually joke around with Dan again and in a matter of minutes it feels like everything is slowly going back to the way it used to be. 

“Well, you’ve been dating me for over a year, you’re definitely good at dealing with babies.” Dan tells him.

“Yes, you’re my baby.” Phil says simply. “As in the babest babe, ever.”

Dan’s lips quiver into a wider smile and he tells Phil, “I love you.” and Phil replies, “I love you most.” and Dan leans in to press his lips to his boyfriend’s, and he sighs contently as Phil kisses him back because he realizes how much he’s missed Phil and how much he wanted things to go back to the way they were before, and now he feels like he doesn’t have to miss Phil anymore and things are slowly going back to the way they were before. 

Dan rests his forehead against Phils and asks shyly, “Can we not fight anymore, please?”

“Deal.” Phil replies immediately. “I don’t like fighting with you, unless it’s over Mario Kart.”

“What’s there to fight about?” Dan asks innocently, sitting up properly as he says, “You’re shit at Mario Kart.” Phil’s eyes go comically wide and his jaw drops, and Dan can’t help but to giggle a little. “I’m kidding!” he says quickly. “You’re the best.”

“Good, I was going to tickle you.” Phil threatens.

“Nooo! Don’t do that.” Dan tells him, eyeing his hands suspiciously because Phil never turns down an opportunity to tickle Dan and frankly, he doesn’t trust him at all.

“I don’t know Dan,” Phil says coyly. “I’m thinking I have to.”

“No, please, don’t-” but Dan’s pleads are cut short when Phil’s fingers are digging into his stomach and rib cage and Dan is beside himself with laughter, trying to squirm away, but Phil is all but on top of him, tickling him and relishing in his laughter. And Phil smiles because he’s so happy that Dan’s finally genuinely happy.

The ticking stops after Dan threatens to throw up, and the two cuddle peacefully on Dan’s way-too-small bed, with Phil’s arms protectively and comfortably around Dan’s middle, and Dan feels more than content at this moment. They talk about Dan dropping out of school and the two of them living together, the pros and cons of both, and they talk about their relationship and where they’re going from here. And it takes a few hours, but they get everything settled and for the first time in a long time, Dan truly feels like everything’s going to be okay. 

“Hey,” Phil says, and Dan turns his head to look at him. “I told you, we could make this last.” he says to him, and Dan rolls his eyes, because what a cheesy thing to say, but he presses his lips to Phil’s once again, because he was right.

_If you can wait till I get home_  
 _Then I swear we can make this last_


End file.
